Category: effect of premature ejaculation

Men in relationships feel bad about not being able to sexually  satisfy their partner.

And men sometimes worry that a woman with whom they are in a sexual relationship might be unfaithful because of their sexual “inadequacy”.

Some men with a premature ejaculation issue are preoccupied with thoughts about controlling their orgasm. They may anxiously anticipate possible failure in sexual activity. They often show high levels of embarrassment, and worry about keeping their erection. Men who do not have premature ejaculation, by contrast, tend to focus on sexual arousal and sexual satisfaction. This is explained in this book about delayed ejaculation.

And another point that’s interesting is that men who think of themselves as having premature ejaculation seem to have a more limited ability to establish intimate relationships. In fact, men with premature ejaculation seem to have less skill in all aspects of intimacy – be that sexual, recreational, social, emotional, and intellectual intimacy.

And they may also show lower levels of satisfaction in all areas of life than men who do not ejaculate quickly.

These are very significant effects, and in view of the fact that men who have premature ejaculation also have less skill in establishing intimacy, it seems quite understandable that a couple may find it difficult to talk about the condition, and about the impact it has on their sex life.

Video  – effect of premature ejaculation on a man

Accepting that many men have this condition, that it is so common, why do so many men wait for years before seeking treatment – and, really, how many ever do seek treatment?

The truth is, nobody actually knows, although it’s likely a minority. And this presents questions about why men might be hesitant  about seeking treatment. Is that reluctance related to one of the effects of the condition – a sense of sexual shame and being lacking in some way?

It’s certainly true that men with premature ejaculation are often reluctant to try and enter into new relationships for fear of humiliating themselves and disappointing a woman.

So could it possibly be the case that this is also true about the prospect of seeing a doctor? In other words, does the man with PE become so embarrassed that even admitting he has it can be shameful and embarrassing? That might well further lower his self-esteem….

The answer to these questions may well be “yes”. They may suggest the simpel approach of taking a drug to slow down ejaculation is the best way to overcome the problem. Dapoxetine (aka Priligy) is available in some counries for use as an off label cure.

This simple approach may well help men who are suffering severe  emotional effects from PE – particularly when a man is so inhibited socially that he is reluctant to enter into new relationships.

Men with premature ejaculation may also lack, to some degree at least, sexual information and knowledge. So it can be helpful to read about the condition on the internet and seek out a support gorup.  And it is helpful, sometimes, for some men, to get an understanding of how his body, and that of his female partner, works sexually. In this way man can learn to pace his arousal, and expand his sexual skills without fearing that rapid ejaculation is inevitable.

Men with premature ejaculation also tend to avoid focusing on their sexual responses, perhaps because anxiety makes them believe they will come even more quickly.

Men may attempt to reduce sexual excitement by wearing multiple condoms, using desensitizing lotions, masturbating before intercourse, rapidly penetrating one’s partner, or using “distraction thinking”. But these techniques are both causes and effects of PE: men who come quickly describe themselves as arriving at the point of ejaculation unexpectedly quickly, with little sexual arousal.

Having this sexual issue is bound to increase anxiety and probably makes the tendency to ejaculate quickly worse. There are several forms of faulty thinking that seem to relate to both erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation:

• all or nothing thinking such as a man assuming he’s a complete failure because he comes quickly
• over-generalization – e.g. “I had difficulty controlling my ejaculation with person A so it will be the same with all my partners”
• disqualifying the positive, e.g., “The woman I’m in a relationship with is only saying our sex is “good enough” because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings”
• mind-reading, e.g., “There is no need for me to communicate about PE because I already know how my partner feels about my rapid ejaculation”
• fortune-telling, e.g., “I know things have gone badly in the past and therefore they will go badly in the future”
• emotional reasoning, e.g., “Just because I feel that something is true it must therefore be true”
• categorical imperatives from a parental ego state, such as “I should do this”, “I ought to do that”, “I must do the other”… these tend to occur a lot in a man’s thoughts when he has any sexual dysfunction
• and catastrophizing – such as “If I can’t control my ejaculation, I’ll never have a relationship.”

And in addition to the emotional and intellectual effects of early climax, there are behavioral effects as well. Many men who come quickly will actually limit foreplay because they fear becoming too excited. But unfortunately such behavioral modifications do not actually help the man last any longer during sexual activity.

So what’s to be done?

The answer seems to be that men with a tendency to come quickly may need help to overcome the issues in their relationships which may be promoting or sustaining rapid ejaculation. Men may need to seek out reliable information about effect of sexual techniques. They may need to be shown different ways of thinking.

Also, they need to be helped to understand that while rapid ejaculation has negative effects on their self-esteem and sexual self-confidence, it can serve in some situations to maintain a sexual equilibrium in a relationship. It may even possibly even cover up his partner’s sexual dysfunction. (Lack of orgasm, lack of sexual pleasure, low sex drive, and so on.)

Additionally, a couple may harbor unrealistic expectations about the man’s sexual performance (“I could reach orgasm through intercourse if it wasn’t for your PE”). And finally, premature ejaculation may be a symptom of major relationship issues. For exmaple, a man may blame difficulties in the relationship as a cause of his rapid ejaculation, and in this wya he may avoid facing the real issues that need to be addressed between him and his partner. 

The effects of premature ejaculation on a couple are well documented. Regrettably, a couple may not find it easy to communicate about the condition.

This poor communication is probably caused when a man who believes he ejaculates too quickly is scared of his partner’s anger, while the woman is consumed with resentment about the fact that he either does not care about her, or that he can’t be bothered to control his PE. Or he may feel shame about not being a “real man”, or guilt about letting his partner down.

Ironically, men who come quickly often feel very responsible for their partner’s pleasure, and go to great efforts to ensure that she achieves orgasm in some other way. Even so, this does not alter the fact that having a male partner in a relationship with PE can be difficult. His self-esteem and self-confidence may be diminished because of this sexual performance can this be very frustrating and irritating for a woman.

Most women in a relationship with a man want them to display at least a certain level of masculine strength and power, and probably nowhere moreso than in the bedroom. Despite the possibility of sexual stereotyping, it’s probably true that most women want a man who can lead during sexual activity. That is, at least most of the time, and who, in leading the woman, will treat her in the way that she desires, a way that will bring out her deepest feminine desires and passion.

This is not, as you may well imagine, achieved particularly easily when a man is self-absorbed about the speed with which he is likely to ejaculate. Nor when he is so self-absorbed about avoiding PE by distraction thinking or skipping foreplay, that he does not pay much attention to his partner or her needs.

Indeed, one of the characteristics of men with PE is a tendency to apologize for their dysfunction. This may irritate a woman even more – most women would much rather a man took some action to change things than continuing to apologize for his perceived inadequacies.

Video – effect of PE on a couple.

And therein lies perhaps one of the clues to the origin of PE. Taking action and going out into the world to solve problems is a very male characteristic. A man with PE who is not doing so (around his own sexual challenges) may be out of touch with his masculinity.

The psychological profile of men who come quickly tends to be one associated with uncertainty around masculinity. That may mean a disconnection between the man and his own masculinity. It may mean he did not have a father figure who could teach him what it means to be a man while he was growing up. (And how men should relate to women.)

However, that is not the whole story. Women in relationship with men who lack masculinity may, at some deep level of their unconscious, fear masculinity in its most profound and compelling form.

But if this feeling remain out of consciousness, the couple become locked in a cycle of frustration and anger: each person’s behavior furthering the emotional dissatisfaction of the other. This is particularly true in cases if a man has a degree of vaginal aversion. (Some men with PE may eventually come to understand that they have never been entirely comfortable with the appearance, smell, or feel of a woman’s vagina or vulva.)

When a woman hears a man constantly apologizing for the speed of his ejaculation, she may think of him (overtly or covertly) as a wimp. She may feel a clear break in intimacy after he has coem. This is clearly not what a woman wants. In fact, in this situation she’s likely to want some reassurance from her man of his affection and attention for her.

it’s another example of how this sexual dysfunction can disrupt communication and intimacy between a couple in a way that is self reinforcing.

For a man with PE, a good idea after ejaculating rapidly would be to hold his partner tenderly and continue connecting with her by means of touch and words. 

Both the man’s fear and his partner’s anger are clear roadblocks to intimacy and need addressing at the same time as he works (in whatever way) to slow his sexual responses down.

Many men are reluctant to reveal aspects of their lives which they find either embarrassing or shameful. They hide things they see as reflecting badly on them or their partner. This isn;t helpful in adopting an open approach to PE.

Premature ejaculation may have its origins in traumatic childhood sexual experiences, or other events in contemporary life such as an affair. Often these things are idden, adding to the complexity of the cause and remedy of the man’s quick approach to orgasm.  

But secrets kept from the man’s partner, or matters that are not discussed with his sexual partner, will hinder closeness and  inhibit intimacy…

While some men may rationalize away these events, they clearly impact the man’s sexual performance within the relationship. they also impact the quality of trust and intimacy the couple experience.